the knitting ref

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I'm a Mess

This post will probably be rambling and not make a lot of sense, so I apologize ahead of time. It's going to kind of be a downer too, so feel free to click away if you so desire.

I awoke this morning to the news that Dana Reeve had died, and it's hitting me hard.

Death is never a good thing, and there has been a lot of it in the 3 1/2 years since my cancer diagnosis. But whenever I hear that someone has died of cancer, I get this hurty little twist in my heart. In the early days of treatment, when I'd get the news, I'd wonder how I could survive when "this other person" could not. Now after going so far down this road, I simultaneously have a sense of wonder that I have survived so long, and a sense of dread because I don't see how I can "get out of this alive." (Yes, I know, no one gets out of this life alive--we're all going to die sometime--I was just hoping to get to be a crochety (or is that knitty? ;) old lady.)

Ultimately I know that I am still walking this earth by the grace of God, and I am so grateful that I've been given all this time to see my children reach adulthood, love my husband, and enjoy the simple things. Most of the time I'm upbeat and working hard at a normal life (whatever that is), but it's times like this it's hard, and so I grieve for what could have been. And maybe, just a little, makes me mentally pull up the bootstraps and resolve to fight harder.


At 8:04 PM, Blogger Ann said...

What a sentiment, Diane. Here's to you getting crochety!


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